my final thoughts

on writing
When I proposed Senioritis as a project, I was looking for an outlet. I wanted a place to write about the different things I was thinking about: job opportunities, homework and my future in general. I decided that the best way for me to do that through this project would be to use a notebook style weblog, because it would be pretty personal, and it was also the ideal medium for recording the present. I wanted it to capitalize on the hopefulness of the future, but still pay attention to what I was doing at the time. I wanted to be too excited to do what I was supposed to be doing.

Initially, I was relatively successful in doing that. I posted about options, and even continued with a mostly positive voice through the next couple posts. Very early on, though, I saw my voice turn. I became crabby and tired, and then angsty, and probably even depressed and hopeless. I whined and complained. A lot. Somewhere around the midterm reflection, it changed again. This time, it changed into something much closer to what I had intended in my proposal. I was excited, even hopeful.

In retrospect, it's interesting to see how much the content I was writing influenced the voice of my posts, or maybe vice versa. Initially, I tried to stick very close to the content I had outlined in my proposal, but three or four posts down the line, when I started whining, the content became a checklist of what I should have done already and what I knew I needed to do (but probably wouldn't do on time). When my voice became hopeful, it was because I was writing about the plans I was making for the future. It also came around the time that I began mass quantities of homework and actually accomplished things instead of complaining about them.

I had other problems too, though. In my proposal, I set some lofty goals as far as word counts and posting frequency. This is me, characteristically. I bite off more than I can chew and then find myself choking on it for ten weeks or so. I wrote, "I want to write about the problems I am having in beginning to search for a job as well as trying to continue to finish my homework with relative timeliness and working more than I should to support myself." I should have said that I would do this in short, sporadic posts, because that was the correct form for these thoughts.

I was kidding myself, thinking that I could write long posts--they would have turned out horrible. I figured out rather quickly that I didn't want to write 750 words on why I am unhappy on any given day (that would have made it much worse.) It was more effective for me to write, consisely, what was going on and leave it at that.

on blogging
I made a big mistake going into this project. I went in thinking that it would be easy. I'd been blogging for over two years when we started this project, and I thought that I would be able to post all of the time, because it's never been a problem for me to post ten times a week about random stuff. I was dead wrong.

There's something about having to do something that makes it less fun than wanting to do it. For three or four weeks of this project, I hated it. I didn't want to post or even visit my own site. When I did post, it was entirely out of necessity. I think that definitely had something to do with the hopeless voice and whiny content as well.

It became easier for me again, when I realized or decided that I could (and maybe should) put more of my senioritis-infused life into this blog than just the homework and crap that wasn't working. I read through some of the archives of my old livejournal, and I realized that some of the little quizzes and random filler things that I used to always post actually added some character, not to mention graphic interest.

So, I did some little quizes and I posted them, I even did one of the big annoying quizes that shows more than anyone needs to know. It made me feel better about the project, so I included more. I posted links to houses that I want to live in. I added a sidebar full of search engines for job searches and housing searches. I put myself back into my blog, and found that I didn't hate it as much as I had when I only posted rants.

on this project
I am not unhappy with the way this blog has turned out. There are, obviously, some things that I probably should have changed earlier on, but I'm not sure that I could have. These projects all seem to have an amorphous quality. I didn't go where I said I was going to, but I couldn't see in the beginning what would affect where I went in the end.

Perhaps what worked for me was my consistent failure to miss my goals. Isn't that idea inherent in senioritis? Senioritis is being close enough to done to feel it, but getting so wrapped up in those feelings that you miss the goals that you set out to accomplish.

how to grow up

In two weeks, I will be a college graduate. I've been looking forward to this time for my entire life, and now I'm finding that the ever famous "real world" is looming ominously on the other side of May 12.

When I was in first grade, I remember thinking that the fourth graders were so cool. They were the big kids and could do all of the things that I could only dream of as a first grader. I later became a fourth grader, and frankly, it was okay, but not what it had seemed to be three years prior. In fourth grade, I looked forward to the freedoms of seventh grade. Having a locker and switching rooms between classes seemed very exciting and I couldn't wait. Junior high came and went, followed by high school. I remember looking forward to my senior year and college afterward. And when college came, it felt good, but I stopped looking to the future.

I chose a major, and it was really hard to choose a field that I thought I would be satisfied with for a long time--like forty years. At twenty, three years is a long time; forty is almost unimaginable. I chose writing because it seemed almost generic. With writing on my resume, I can do almost anything. Maybe that's how it is with most majors.

When I graduated from high school, it was a big production. I graduated from a small public school in North Dakota with fifteen of my friends. I had an open house following where all of my teachers, family and friends came to congratulate me on my achievements. I felt like I had accomplished something. That doesn't happen for college graduates. We can choose whether or not we want to participate in commencement, and even if we do, it basically ends there. A few family members congratulate you, and then it's over.

It seems to me that college graduation is underrated. I chose to go to college, and I managed to get a degree in four years. I feel like this should be congratulated. Instead, I hear people around me asking what's next. For the first time in my life, I don't know the answer to that question. I don't know what I'll be doing at the end of the summer.

I don't even know how to figure it out, because I've been doing the same thing, essentially, for the past seventeen years. I've been going to school. I've had Christmas break, and spring break, and freedom during the summer. I know how to go to school, and I know how to get good grades. I know how to work hard and achieve things, but it seems that there ought to be some sort of transition from college student to adult.

I'm creating my own. Instead of finding a "real" job right away, I'm going to work at the retail management job that I've had for the past year. I'll have one last summer of irresponsibility before I take on a contract and benefits and a car payment. I will attend weddings instead of planning them. I will save some money, but I'll still spend it. I don't really have anything specifically to look forward to anymore. I'll spend another summer living in the present, and then I'll make a plan. I think I know how to grow up...I just don't want to, yet.

$13

monday night i did laundry for the first time since sometime before spring break. that's been probably like two months. i have too many clothes. the thing is, i'm wearing clean clothes for the second day in a row and it's amazing. my sleeves are softer. my pants fit better. best thirteen dollars i've spent in a while. i did five loads. i have at least two more loads of bedding and extra towels and some more clothes, but i'm going to wait on those until i move into my new house with a laundry room in three weeks.

film chapter summaries (3 pages)
honors final paper (6-10 pages)
blog & wiki paper (3-7 page)
thesis (lots of pages)
freelance writing article (2 pages + research)
blog & wiki presentation
thesis oral defense
canadian politics test
film final


these are the things between me and graduation. there are 2.5 weeks left.

road trip

yesterday was a welcome vacation to thesis season.

we went to grand forks, so i got a new driver's license to replace the one i lost on spring break. and i we had pretzelmaker, and went shopping and had some genuine girl time.

now, it's back to work. i'm partially done with my studio tour. then, back to the thesis.

i think i've reached that balance of exhaustion and malnutrition that i could throw up. i'm sick of writing. i hate my thesis. it's crap. i hope it turns into something beautiful. write now it's just ugly.

i found another apartment. and i wish this wasn't three and a half hours out of the way.

hop to the left. hop, hop to the right.

the easter bunny (aka the girl not wearing big glasses) put big sunglasses in carly's and my easter baskets. how cool is that. i might wear them every day.