senioritis

my final thoughts

2006-05-09T18:05:00.000-05:00

on writing
When I proposed Senioritis as a project, I was looking for an outlet. I wanted a place to write about the different things I was thinking about: job opportunities, homework and my future in general. I decided that the best way for me to do that through this project would be to use a notebook style weblog, because it would be pretty personal, and it was also the ideal medium for recording the present. I wanted it to capitalize on the hopefulness of the future, but still pay attention to what I was doing at the time. I wanted to be too excited to do what I was supposed to be doing.

Initially, I was relatively successful in doing that. I posted about options, and even continued with a mostly positive voice through the next couple posts. Very early on, though, I saw my voice turn. I became crabby and tired, and then angsty, and probably even depressed and hopeless. I whined and complained. A lot. Somewhere around the midterm reflection, it changed again. This time, it changed into something much closer to what I had intended in my proposal. I was excited, even hopeful.

In retrospect, it's interesting to see how much the content I was writing influenced the voice of my posts, or maybe vice versa. Initially, I tried to stick very close to the content I had outlined in my proposal, but three or four posts down the line, when I started whining, the content became a checklist of what I should have done already and what I knew I needed to do (but probably wouldn't do on time). When my voice became hopeful, it was because I was writing about the plans I was making for the future. It also came around the time that I began mass quantities of homework and actually accomplished things instead of complaining about them.

I had other problems too, though. In my proposal, I set some lofty goals as far as word counts and posting frequency. This is me, characteristically. I bite off more than I can chew and then find myself choking on it for ten weeks or so. I wrote, "I want to write about the problems I am having in beginning to search for a job as well as trying to continue to finish my homework with relative timeliness and working more than I should to support myself." I should have said that I would do this in short, sporadic posts, because that was the correct form for these thoughts.

I was kidding myself, thinking that I could write long posts--they would have turned out horrible. I figured out rather quickly that I didn't want to write 750 words on why I am unhappy on any given day (that would have made it much worse.) It was more effective for me to write, consisely, what was going on and leave it at that.

on blogging
I made a big mistake going into this project. I went in thinking that it would be easy. I'd been blogging for over two years when we started this project, and I thought that I would be able to post all of the time, because it's never been a problem for me to post ten times a week about random stuff. I was dead wrong.

There's something about having to do something that makes it less fun than wanting to do it. For three or four weeks of this project, I hated it. I didn't want to post or even visit my own site. When I did post, it was entirely out of necessity. I think that definitely had something to do with the hopeless voice and whiny content as well.

It became easier for me again, when I realized or decided that I could (and maybe should) put more of my senioritis-infused life into this blog than just the homework and crap that wasn't working. I read through some of the archives of my old livejournal, and I realized that some of the little quizzes and random filler things that I used to always post actually added some character, not to mention graphic interest.

So, I did some little quizes and I posted them, I even did one of the big annoying quizes that shows more than anyone needs to know. It made me feel better about the project, so I included more. I posted links to houses that I want to live in. I added a sidebar full of search engines for job searches and housing searches. I put myself back into my blog, and found that I didn't hate it as much as I had when I only posted rants.

on this project
I am not unhappy with the way this blog has turned out. There are, obviously, some things that I probably should have changed earlier on, but I'm not sure that I could have. These projects all seem to have an amorphous quality. I didn't go where I said I was going to, but I couldn't see in the beginning what would affect where I went in the end.

Perhaps what worked for me was my consistent failure to miss my goals. Isn't that idea inherent in senioritis? Senioritis is being close enough to done to feel it, but getting so wrapped up in those feelings that you miss the goals that you set out to accomplish.

how to grow up

2006-05-01T15:09:00.000-05:00

In two weeks, I will be a college graduate. I've been looking forward to this time for my entire life, and now I'm finding that the ever famous "real world" is looming ominously on the other side of May 12.

When I was in first grade, I remember thinking that the fourth graders were so cool. They were the big kids and could do all of the things that I could only dream of as a first grader. I later became a fourth grader, and frankly, it was okay, but not what it had seemed to be three years prior. In fourth grade, I looked forward to the freedoms of seventh grade. Having a locker and switching rooms between classes seemed very exciting and I couldn't wait. Junior high came and went, followed by high school. I remember looking forward to my senior year and college afterward. And when college came, it felt good, but I stopped looking to the future.

I chose a major, and it was really hard to choose a field that I thought I would be satisfied with for a long time--like forty years. At twenty, three years is a long time; forty is almost unimaginable. I chose writing because it seemed almost generic. With writing on my resume, I can do almost anything. Maybe that's how it is with most majors.

When I graduated from high school, it was a big production. I graduated from a small public school in North Dakota with fifteen of my friends. I had an open house following where all of my teachers, family and friends came to congratulate me on my achievements. I felt like I had accomplished something. That doesn't happen for college graduates. We can choose whether or not we want to participate in commencement, and even if we do, it basically ends there. A few family members congratulate you, and then it's over.

It seems to me that college graduation is underrated. I chose to go to college, and I managed to get a degree in four years. I feel like this should be congratulated. Instead, I hear people around me asking what's next. For the first time in my life, I don't know the answer to that question. I don't know what I'll be doing at the end of the summer.

I don't even know how to figure it out, because I've been doing the same thing, essentially, for the past seventeen years. I've been going to school. I've had Christmas break, and spring break, and freedom during the summer. I know how to go to school, and I know how to get good grades. I know how to work hard and achieve things, but it seems that there ought to be some sort of transition from college student to adult.

I'm creating my own. Instead of finding a "real" job right away, I'm going to work at the retail management job that I've had for the past year. I'll have one last summer of irresponsibility before I take on a contract and benefits and a car payment. I will attend weddings instead of planning them. I will save some money, but I'll still spend it. I don't really have anything specifically to look forward to anymore. I'll spend another summer living in the present, and then I'll make a plan. I think I know how to grow up...I just don't want to, yet.

$13

2006-04-26T08:59:00.000-05:00

monday night i did laundry for the first time since sometime before spring break. that's been probably like two months. i have too many clothes. the thing is, i'm wearing clean clothes for the second day in a row and it's amazing. my sleeves are softer. my pants fit better. best thirteen dollars i've spent in a while. i did five loads. i have at least two more loads of bedding and extra towels and some more clothes, but i'm going to wait on those until i move into my new house with a laundry room in three weeks.

2006-04-24T10:58:00.000-05:00

film chapter summaries (3 pages)
honors final paper (6-10 pages)
blog & wiki paper (3-7 page)
thesis (lots of pages)
freelance writing article (2 pages + research)
blog & wiki presentation
thesis oral defense
canadian politics test
film final

these are the things between me and graduation. there are 2.5 weeks left.

road trip

2006-04-21T17:06:00.000-05:00

yesterday was a welcome vacation to thesis season.

we went to grand forks, so i got a new driver's license to replace the one i lost on spring break. and i we had pretzelmaker, and went shopping and had some genuine girl time.

now, it's back to work. i'm partially done with my studio tour. then, back to the thesis.

2006-04-20T01:12:00.000-05:00

i think i've reached that balance of exhaustion and malnutrition that i could throw up. i'm sick of writing. i hate my thesis. it's crap. i hope it turns into something beautiful. write now it's just ugly.

2006-04-19T12:21:00.000-05:00

i found another apartment. and i wish this wasn't three and a half hours out of the way.

hop to the left. hop, hop to the right.

2006-04-19T12:18:00.000-05:00

the easter bunny (aka the girl not wearing big glasses) put big sunglasses in carly's and my easter baskets. how cool is that. i might wear them every day.

so, post nummer vier.

2006-04-18T22:46:00.000-05:00

i'm clearly supposed to be doing homework today. i can't. my add is out of control. and there's a sex offender on the loose, but apparently, i shouldn't worry too much about him because he's level three...and that might mean pedophile...i've never been more happy to be 22.

i'm tired and hungry. we're going to perkins when ben gets back. or ck. either way, i'm going to have to balance food with caffeine. i still have a lot of work to do, and it's just getting to the time of day where i'll actually get stuff done. i just need to refuel. then, good as new.

i'm tired of trying to talk myself out of being afraid of the sex offender guy, and at the same time, being so in tune with my surroundings that i hear every little noise our house makes...and it seems to be settling more now than before. every noise creeps me out. i hate it.

virginities.

2006-04-18T20:11:00.000-05:00

ben just farted as he coughed. he claims it's the first time he's ever farted in front of someone. whatever.

and he's concerned that it doesn't smell bad. whatever.

i'm already tired of doing homework. it's going to be a long night.

i will survive.

2006-04-18T15:47:00.000-05:00

ironically, i will survive is playing on radio mtv right now. maybe that's not ironic so much as it's me stealing it, but i was going to write that, essentially.

it might be time for me to pull an all-nighter. finish my thesis. do my studio tour. maybe, gasp...start working on the final write up of this blog. the thing is, i just don't get a lot done during daylight. it wasn't so bad during the winter--18 hours of darkness makes me look productive. now, my slacker ways are out of control, and really, they're only likely to get worse as the weather gets warmer. besides, i haven't had to pull an all-nighter yet this semester, and i wouldn't want to cheat myself out of the tradtion, would i?

i think tonight is the night. i mean, why not stay up all night after being at school for 13 hours? i'm pretty proud that i put together my film paper through my desk time, canadian politics, and my other little pieces of time. i should probably just run wild while i feel productive, and the deadlines are right up against potential rewards. if i get all this stuff done, i can go to grand forks with carly only to get back in time for the thursday night insanity. and go.

good thing i'm not paranoid.

2006-04-18T00:53:00.000-05:00

so, glad this guy's been seen in the area. makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

take a good look. i want him behind bars by morning.

two things.

2006-04-17T21:12:00.000-05:00

number one.

guess who's going to have her film paper done on time!!

(ME.)

number two.

target's summer glassware is called random acts of summer.

easter monday

2006-04-17T10:01:00.000-05:00

if i was in north dakota, i wouldn't be in school.

the perfect man

2006-04-15T15:25:00.000-05:00

cassie just put in a hilary duff movie because she knows it'll make me go do more writing. it's pretty bad already. and i could definitely get sucked in if i don't leave. now. goodbye.

truth.

2006-04-14T10:49:00.000-05:00

You're so used to holding everything together, but now it's time to detach. There's only so much you can do before you come apart at the seams, too. Find a way to relax and recharge before it's too late.

thanks, horoscope.

2006-04-13T14:46:00.000-05:00

mandei.

or this.

or maybe this.

or we could live here.

is this a joke?

oops.

2006-04-13T12:36:00.000-05:00

MOST HATED...
VEGETABLE: squash. ew.
FRUIT: grapefruit.
MEAL: breakfast.
CANDY: twin bing. it looks like poo.
BEVERAGE (non-alcoholic): milk. i drink it on my way to church.
BEVERAGE (alcoholic): i haven't found it yet...
COLOR: purple.
TOWN/CITY: osnabrock, nd
RESTAURANT: applebees
FAST FOOD JOINT: taco johns is sketchy...but i still love the oles.
SONG: lean wit it. rock wit it.
TV SHOW: oprah. truth.
MOVIE: the witches
FEMALE SOLO ARTIST: britney (since kfed)
MALE SOLO ARTIST: 50cent
ASPECT OF MYSPACE: stalking. actually, that's my most and least favorite.
ANIMAL: chickens.
INSECT: i can't think of one that i don't despise. all.
BIRD: vulture. creepy.
SEASON: any season i cant wear flip flops. truth.
AGE OF KIDS: under seventeen.
WHAT ANNOYS YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING WHEN...
DRIVING: blinkers. or lack there of.
TALKING ON THE PHONE: calling with nothing to say.
WATCHING TV OR MOVIES: talking during svu.
EATING IN RESTAURANTS: puking babies.
GOING THROUGH DRIVE-THRUS: when they ask me to turn off my car so they can hear me.
YOU'RE AT THE MALL: when i'm on my break (wearing a bbw apron) and no matter what store i enter, some asks me where something is.
SHOWERING: shampoo in my eye. happens more often than it should.
YOU'RE AT THE BEACH: sand where it doesn't belong. (also the bottom of the body of water.) gross.
YOU'RE AT THE GROCERY STORE: the cart with a squeaky wheel.
SITTING IN CLASS: people that pay attention.
YOU'RE AT YOUR JOB: when people ask if we have anything for dry skin. it's bath and body works. we sell lotion.
BEING AROUND KIDS: crying, puking, screaming, etc.
IT'S THE HOLIDAY SEASON: greedy kids.
PLAYING VIDEO GAMES: everything.
COOKING OR BAKING: the effort involved.
RANDOM/MISCELLANEOUS...
WHAT'S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING TO DO INVOLVING CLEANING? vacuuming.
WHAT HOUSEHOLD CHORE DO YOU HATE THE MOST? ew. dishes.
WHAT DO YOU THINK WOULD BE THE ABSOLUTE WORST WAY TO DIE? drowning.
WHAT IS your WORST TRAIT? my temper.
WHAT FASHION TREND (PAST OR PRESENT) HAVE YOU HATED THE MOST? tapered jeans.
WHAT POPULAR SONG (PAST OR PRESENT) HAVE YOU HATED THE MOST? grillz.
MOST HATED LINE FROM YOUR PARENTS: have you applied for any jobs yet?
WORST OR MOST HATED PICKUP LINE: you're beautiful, do you know that? (the 23rd time)
MOST HATED POLICY OF A TEACHER/PROFESSOR: grade by attendance.
WORST THING ABOUT BEING A LITTLE KID: hand-me-downs.
WORST THING ABOUT BEING MIDDLE SCHOOL AGED: north dakota history.
WORST THING ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL: mono.
WORST THING ABOUT COLLEGE: there's one month left.
DUMBEST RULE YOU REMEMBER FROM SCHOOL: everything my parents said.
MOST IRRITATING THING ABOUT YOUR CAR: question change. what's not irritating about my car? the heat works now.
TO BE COMPLETELY STEREOTYPICAL, WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE MOST ANNOYING THING ABOUT GIRLS? everything. ugly highlights.
TO BE COMPLETELY STEREOTYPICAL, WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE MOST ANNOYING THING ABOUT GUYS? most of what comes out of their mouths.
MOST HATED ONLINE EXPRESSION: :)
MOST HATED EVERYDAY PHRASE/SAYING/EXPRESSION: peace out. (lies.)
MOST HATED THING REGARDING POLITICS: the color red.
WHAT'S ANNOYING YOU TODAY? thesis.

2006-04-13T12:26:00.000-05:00

i just took a break to check my email.

this work is not in vain. the honors council approved my proposal.

woooohooooo!

thesis

2006-04-13T10:18:00.000-05:00

and it begins...the only thing between me and my thesis is this final attempt at procrastinating a little more.

and since that's all i have to say...

it's done.

time to thesis.

stupid ambiguity

2006-04-13T00:34:00.000-05:00

since i'm bored, and too stupid to just go to bed, i was just reading some stuff over...including the tagline quote i have here. it's appropriate, wildly appropriate. i just happen to hate that it is. and from what i've heard, life on the other side of graduation isn't anything special. when i was home over spring break, during one of the many discussions with my mom regarding my future, she concluded that i'm afraid of change. one month later, i can clarify that. i'm not afraid of change. i welcome it. i'm afraid of not knowing. i'm afraid of that damn "delicious ambiguity." i hate it. i could move to africa next week. if i knew today that i was moving to africa, it'd be fine. but i don't. so that'll really suck if i move, because i'm not ready. how could i be?

2006-04-12T22:19:00.000-05:00

thesis=death.

parts one and two

2006-04-11T10:44:00.000-05:00

i got up for work at 8.

i took my canadian politics test.

the first third of hell is over in the first three hours.

next up:
work (again)
honors presentation
union meeting
hupb meeting
british film

and then it's thesis time.

i can feel the nervous breakdown creeping up. i give it until thursday night, when i'm stuck doing my thesis and my friends are having fun. i can't blame them.

not bad advice for a horoscope...

2006-04-11T08:24:00.000-05:00

Expect an influx of cash very soon. Until then, it's time to tighten your belt and take a long, hard look at expenses. After all, when you get this financial windfall, you want it to last -- so get some good money habits in place now.

deadlines

2006-04-10T14:01:00.000-05:00

i tell myself that i work most effectively under pressure...i need deadlines.

the funny thing is that i find myself late with almost every one of them.

now, i have a deadline that's written in stone. or steel. or something even more solid and unmoving than stone or steel. bigger for sure--the rocky mountains of deadlines. i need to have my thesis in done form asap. i talked to ivy today. she's less threatening than i give her credit for. she said this is doable. that's what i needed. now i just have to do everything and pass my test tomorrow.

no pressure.

2006-04-10T09:18:00.000-05:00

it's a good thing we don't have class on wednesday. i'm going to count myself lucky if i survive today and tomorrow. tomorrow i have a canadian politics test, an honors presentation and since it's tuesday, it'll be the longest day ever. today i have to learn canadian politics, prepare for the honors presentation, and watch the film from my night class last week. awesome.

best picture ever.

2006-04-10T08:59:00.000-05:00

oops.

2006-04-07T14:58:00.000-05:00

on monday, i told my supervisor that i needed to cut down on my hours...it's the one area where i can create some time. i was working like ten or twelve hours each week. i've surpassed the fifteen hour mark. i don't know why i do this to myself.

and to make a crappy day crappier, i woke up two hours late. and i haven't eaten yet. i'm starving.

2006-04-06T09:10:00.000-05:00

Your Scholastic Strength Is Developing Ideas

You can take a spark of inspiration and turn it into a full fledged concept.You are talented at brainstorming, visualizing, organizing, and independent thinking.
You should major in:
Natural sciencesComputer scienceCreative writingMathArchitectureJournalism

What Should You Major In?

2006-04-06T08:53:00.000-05:00

can i live here?

2006-04-05T23:55:00.000-05:00

i remember when i used to post because i wanted to...it was compulsive. i was looking through my old livejournal. i was good. i posted all of the time. now, i have to force myself to push the keys. it's not even this project...i've been struggling with it all semester. part of it is that my computer doesn't work. part of it might be growing up or some crap like that--or maybe i'm just tired of it. maybe i just need to take a break from it, but obviously i can't do that right now. that'll just get me into trouble and right now i just need to graduate. badly. graduate and decompress. i was also thinking tonight at work...i think it's a damn good thing that i work at bath and body works and not somewhere else. sometimes i dread work, but then i get there and realize how irrational those thoughts were because i have the most relaxing job in the world. my job is to play with lotion and shower gel. i play all night and sell our wares to my customers in an effort to destress their lives, and then i come home and take a raspberry granita filled shower. i felt the stress leave my body--it's the same thing when i walk into the store, suddenly everything that i deal with in the rest of my life evaporates. i just do my job for a few hours, and then i come home. and when i get in my car the stress comes back, so i take a shower and it disappears agian--at least for a little while.

i think that's what it's going to feel like to graduate. when i walk out of the fieldhouse for the last time, i hope that i can feel the stress melt away. then i'll see my parents and they'll ask about the job search, and the elephant will be sitting on my chest again, but at least for a few minutes, or maybe even an afternoon, i'll be weightless and stress free.

i need to drink more water. take more showers. sleep more. but tomorrow (today, i guess) is mandei's birthday, so she'll be in town, and i'm certain that the party will be fantastic. it's time for bed.

day two of my pounding headache

2006-04-04T15:22:00.000-05:00

i thought that my pain was a repercussion of crying all day on sunday. it shouldn't still be punishing me for my instability. i handed in my thesis proposal. please let them approve it. please. please. please. please. aaahhhhh.

go figure.

2006-04-04T09:37:00.000-05:00

You Are a Chick Rocker!

You're living proof that chicks can rockYou're inspired by Joan Jett and the DonnasAnd when you rock, you rock hard(Plus, you get all the cute guy groupies you want!)

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofrockerareyouquiz/">What Kind of Rocker Are You?

alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, every bad day

2006-04-04T08:52:00.000-05:00

i read the book last night. it's one of my all time favorites...and i'm having that kind of week.

i think i'll move to australia.

spring cleaning

2006-04-03T14:13:00.000-05:00

i think i had my first panic attack this weekend.

i had the flu.
i had a suicidal friend.
i am overwhelmed.
i am way way way way way way behind in everything.
so, i spent a few days crying my eyes out, and now i just have to suck it up.
it's time to get stuff done.

six weeks left. nothing like a nervous breakdown to get the ball rolling.

2006-03-29T13:23:00.000-06:00

i'm supposed to be going to naca tomorrow in cedar rapids, ia. i feel the sudden urge to vomit. we'll see how this goes, but something tells me i'm staying home. that sucks. i'm off to work to see how long i can make it until illness overcomes me.

damn the birds. (j/k)

2006-03-28T12:30:00.000-06:00

my mom emailed me four times this weekend. each one contains at least three possible jobs/internships. she refuses to understand that i'm not looking today. out of the twelve or so, there's one job that i'm even considering putting an application together for--the activities advisor at umd. that would be okay. otherwise, nothing. i'm tired and crabby because it's tuesday and i have to go to both honors and film. and i just don't feel fantastic. i'm pushing marginal, actually. i want everything to be done for me. i'll pay someone.

help wanted:
personal assitant
wages are negotiable

happy monday.

2006-03-27T09:48:00.000-06:00

so, i thought i had some crappy meetings or something today, but now i've realized that if i so choose, i can be done for the day at ten. i think i'm going to make some signs and stuff for hupb, but that still makes my day better. and i don't even have to work tonight. i just have a management meeting this afternoon. beautiful.

the plague

2006-03-23T13:05:00.000-06:00

i think i'm dying.

i didn't leave my house yesterday. i probably shouldn't have today, but i don't really have that choice. i need to keep plugging away---despite the fact that my entire body hurts and i actually broke out in a sweat today. i wasn't doing anything. ew.

2006-03-21T14:58:00.000-06:00

how hard will ivy kick me when i hand her my thesis proposal and tell her that i'm planning to graduate in less than two months? otherwise, paperwork taken care of. and taxes are mailed. hurry up irs. i want my refund. like yesterday.

2006-03-21T11:20:00.000-06:00

i mailed my taxes.
and this afternoon i'm handing in a boatload of paper work...i just have a few more forms to go.
and a lot of class.

ew.

two more months.

2006-03-20T10:00:00.000-06:00

i walked to class through the union and i saw

smash
ryan
ben
v
kyle

that never happens.

2006-03-17T08:32:00.000-06:00

so, i know that i post frequently about my love of thursdays, but seriously. how can i not? last night we played tippy cup with a bunch of the hockey players and then a boy made me dance with him, but spent the entire time telling me how beautiful i am (i mean, who am i to stop him?). oh, and cole said that if anyone was bothering me, he would take care of it. and, i'm going to the hills have eyes with cole and spencer. i've already called the seat between them. it's for my own good.

oh, midj.

2006-03-16T10:32:00.000-06:00

i'm back in town. i missed it.

i can take long showers.
i can watch tv.
i can sleep when i want.
i can drink diet coke.
i can work.
i can work at school.
i can hupb.
i can cancel my debit card because i'm stupid and lost my wallet at some point this weekend. and no i don't have my id, because that was also in my wallet, dimwitted bank teller. please, if i could speak to everyone in the bank before you give me my $40, i'd really appreciate it. thanks for another great experience wells fargo.

home...

2006-03-13T10:58:00.000-06:00

so, i know that some people my age go home all the time. i go home every three months or so, and after a day or two, i'm ready to go back to my real life. i went snowboarding yesterday with my mom and my brothers, and ended up only doing in for a couple of hours--cut short by smashing my tailbone on three consecutive falls...and consequently my entire body hurts today. oh, and i fell asleep in the chair at 7 and my dad made me go to bed. i woke up at 8:30 this morning. i sleep better here--i blame it on the lack of stimulation. there's not really tv. there's not an electronic device in my bedroom--no radio, no computer, my cell doesn't even work here. and so, i sleep.

i went to a party the other night with my best friend from high school. i see her about once a year. it was a blast. and half my class from high school was there. i might like them better now, and possibly because i never see them. when there are 16 in your class, you see too much of them over ten years or so. some of them are still living around here. that's weird to me, and it makes me consider all of the experiences i've had over the past four years. i wouldn't trade it for anything. i'd stay another four years. well, not actually, but i could. and the conversations i've had with my parents, while pressuring, at least force me into some sort of thought regarding the future--something i've been avoiding.

so, i'm going to cook some chili in my mom's spacious kitchen with the kinds of food products that grownups just have in their house.....someday.

leave me alone

2006-03-11T15:30:00.000-06:00

i've been home since 7pm last night. so far, my parents and i have had two discussions about my future. talk about no pressure. in addition to these discussions, my family doesn't believe in drinking soda. i'm having these crappy discussions without any diet coke in my system. it's misery, truly...there's not even like candy or anything--there's nothing with a simple sugar or caffeine except for french vanilla cappucino mix--i'm on my third mug. it's not helping.

s.p.r.i.n.g.b.r.e.a.k.

2006-03-10T09:04:00.000-06:00

today is the most refreshing friday i can remember. i got my hair cut yesterday. i love it. i ended last night by being hit on...by someone i'd never do anything with, but it's the principle. and then country kitchen, because we can't go to perkins anymore. (we got kicked out last weekend for heckelling the alabama hockey team....i'll never go back.) and then i slept on the mattress in the livingroom of my friends' house and woke up early this morning without a hangover (though one would be well deserved) and my hair still looks good (as does my eye makeup) and i'm actually looking forward to going home and hanging out with my family.

note: i'll probably post more during spring break--i'm going to mountain, nd. not exactly the excitement capital of the world.

it's been a while...

2006-03-09T09:08:00.000-06:00

i don't have any good reason for my hiatus from posting. i haven't even been working as much as usual. i had last weekend off. it was the last home beaver hockey series. probably the most memorable weekend of my life. suddenly it's the thursday before spring break, and now all of the things that i don't have done are starting to scare the hell out of me. my thesis...its defense. gross.

i hate tuesday.

2006-02-28T08:38:00.000-06:00

I ended up writing down names and id numbers for an extra two hours yesterday, because I'm nice, and I didn't have class. It's annoying when sacrifices like that go unnoticed. Last night V and I played Martha Stewart with Cole and Spencer. It's Cole's girlfriend's birthday today, so we baked her a cake, and we baked brownies for ourselves to be consumed after the ziploc bag omelets we made. It was a midnight feast. Then we pretended we could stay awake through one episode of Family Guy, but after three minutes, I just went to bed. I'm a weenie. Now my eyes are burning and watering.

I have to go to work, but the student tickets for the hockey game are GONE until the door. That's fantastic.

2006-02-27T09:07:00.000-06:00

there are currently 12 people in line for hockey tickets. we don't even have the stupid computer yet. go home. go downstairs. we'll save twelve for you. i feel like i'm being watched and i have to keep typing and searching through things to keep up the appearance that i actually work at this job--i don't. this is my $120 check every two weeks with which i buy unreasonable things like perkins at 2am. anyway, i hate huntsville.

and the weekend's over just like that...

2006-02-26T18:59:00.000-06:00

well, i've worked like 39049 hours since i last posted. since my computer doesn't exactly work at home, i have a bad habit of not posting over weekends. mostly i'm so exhausted when i get home from work that i just don't care to make the effort. this will change. i swear. i have thursday through sunday off this week. beautiful. i think i'll even sleep in--something i haven't done in like a month and a half. i'm excited.

i forgot to mention...

2006-02-23T14:49:00.000-06:00

my favorite night has been taken from me. i've been called in to work--or i might not have to...i'm hoping julie calls soon. we'll see.

hawaii or bust.

2006-02-23T14:47:00.000-06:00

mandei and i are talking about moving to hawaii in the fall. i like this idea. one last summer here in midj followed by another summer (aka. winter here) in hawaii. we can rent a studio apartment and get jobs and later move into a bigger apartment. start our own smoothie stand...the possibilities are endless. most importantly, we'll never have to wear socks and shoes again. just flip flops.

midterm #1 completed.

2006-02-23T10:34:00.000-06:00

I'm returning to my can-do attitude of Monday. I still have a lot to do, but I just lucked out completely on my Canadian politics exam. I had the choice between the two essays I actually knew, and I knew five of the six identifications, but only had to write on four. Dare I say I might get an A??

I have my conference with Susan this afternoon and I just remembered that I'm meeting with Leslie about Honors at 11...glad I just remembered that. Nothing super important for tomorrow, so I guess I can relax a little. I have a midterm in my film class next Tuesday, so I should probably rent the movies I've missed this weekend. Full Monty anyone?

Snowboarding tomorrow. First time in three weeks. I'm pumped.

2006-02-22T13:10:00.000-06:00

i just rocked my freelance writing folder. on to canadian politics...but i'm going to go home for that. get ready for work, figure out essay 2, and then cole and i will memorize everything tonight.

want to learn about gst and trudeau and the meech lake accords? me too.

more homework...

2006-02-22T10:06:00.000-06:00

I have to work some more on my freelance writing folder, so I can hand it in to Susan this afternoon. We're going to have the feel-better conference tomorrow, instead of the wow-you-get-this conference we were supposed to have. I need someone to make me do my homework. A homework drill sargent that threatens to make me stay home on Thursday nights or take away my money or something.

I also need to finalize my grad plans and turn them in. I'll do that tomorrow afternoon, because I'll have lots of time then. Oh, and I have an exam in Canadian Politics tomorrow, so Cole is coming over when I get off work, so we can study up on maple leaves and Strange Brew. I keep finding that I just don't care that much. I don't care if I get straight C's this semester, because I'll still graduate. I actually only need one credit to graduate. But, whatever. It's almost over, and I'm more scared of what happens next, so I'll just have to do my stupid homework and grad plans and continue on. Tomorrow is Thursday...best day of the week.

this is good.

2006-02-21T11:54:00.000-06:00

I've decided that my only option is to buy the book for my night class, skip class, do my homework and hand it in tomorrow. I suck at life.

nine hours later...

2006-02-20T23:40:00.000-06:00

After two hours of productivity, I lost it. I took a nap. I went to my work meeting, and then I watched tv and ate soup, and watched more tv, went to walmart, watched tv and ate ice cream, and now i've wasted nearly an hour playing with my digital camera and ipod. what did people do to procrastinate before ipods and cameras? I think I played snood. It's time to hit the books.

i'm amazing.

2006-02-20T14:44:00.000-06:00

i'm almost done with my grad plans. i haven't started my homework yet, but i'm almost done with my grad plans. i'm going to walk to my car and drop a couple of prelimary papers off at records on my way out. woohoo.

take two.

2006-02-20T13:05:00.000-06:00

I'm ready to do this again, a little more earnestly than last week. It's monday, and though I hate mondays, I feel much better about things today than I have in quite a while. I've mourned the loss of my spring concert. There won't be one this year, and I'm okay with that. We'll just beef up the rest of our spring programming instead. It's time for me to catch myself up on my homework. I need to write a few essays, read some chapters, and start studying for my politics test. I am also ready to sit down and do my grad plans. I graduate in May. I think I've procrastinated with them long enough. I also need to finish the interviews for my senior project, write my senior project, and then do my honors defense and stuff. I need to work a little less, and spend a little less, and get more done. I don't know what I'm waiting for...I just keep finding other things to do instead. I'm considering the nanny opportunity more carefully...and I might move home for a week or two after graduation. Asher graduates the weekend after I do. It might be nice to see my family for a little while--I haven't spent more than a day or two at home at a time in two years.

2006-02-16T13:04:00.000-06:00

My mom sent me an email today with the information to the Delay the Real World fellowship. You can get up to $3000 to support yourself while you do something other than work--an internship, volunteering, etc. I feel like I should know what my future could be before I decide whether I should delay it or not.

In other news, I'm exhausted. I've spent the past month putting together the coolest program of my college career only to have my agent call me yesterday have it all fall apart. Until then, I had the excitement of what was to come keeping me going. Now, I'm just overwhelmed. I'm behind on my homework. I don't have any time. I'm just crabby and really, really tired. I think maybe 45 hours is too many to be working, but I need the money, so I'll do it. I might take a nap this afternoon. I'm not telling anyone that my 4 o'clock class was cancelled. That's naptime for sure.

In addition to my exhaustion, Mandei (my former roommate) is coming tonight. So, while I actually have a night off, I won't be doing the things I should be doing...I'll be doing the things I really shouldn't. And tomorrow, there's a hockey game, so again, no homework. Saturday was my day off, but I've been offered the 12-close shift, which equals like $65, so I'd better do that.

groan

2006-02-15T09:45:00.000-06:00

It seems that each day I'm more tired and farther behind than the last. I am going to have to spend my Saturday off (first in three months) at the library doing piles of homework that I just haven't gotten to. Today, I'm doing at least three hours of HUPB stuff to catch that up. Plus work at school. Plus we have a floorset at BBW. I can't wait for spring break...less than a month. Then a month and a half of school, a spring concert, a thesis defense, and then Black Friday. (May 12.)

options

2006-02-14T09:24:00.000-06:00

The thing that really scares me is that I have so many options. Infinitely many, perhaps. I need to revise my resume. Then, I need to apply for jobs. But in addition to jobs that I need to apply for, I have other options. My aunt and uncle are going to need a nanny around GDay for their new twins (children #7&8). This seems like an okay idea, but I get stressed out by screaming kids at Bath and Body, so I'm not sure that 8 kids under 15 is the best idea for me. Oh, and it's in Seattle. Seattle is actually one of the things that job has working in its favor. I'm also going to apply for a position at a village in the Cascades. Good experience, but how weird would it be to be isolated--living 2hrs by boat from anywhere, without internet or cellphone. It's one of those things that I've been saying I should do, and probably should before I can't. If I get a job that starts in August, I could stay in Bemidji until then, which would be fun. My mom actually suggested moving home and working at the nursing home as a "not so bleak" option. Untrue. I won't move home. This isn't because I dislike my family or anything like that. They are hard to live with, so I guess that's part of it. Mostly, I don't want to move back there because I'd suffocate. Mountain, ND ranks as one of the most boring places to live in the world. Now that I've been exposed to "city life" (if you saw Mountain, Bemidji would be a city to you too.) I don't know that I can go back. I don't want to live in a place where I'll never meet new people. I don't want to be one of the people who moves back and works at the nursing home where we worked in high school. I just don't want to get stuck.

the beginning of the end.

2006-02-11T21:02:00.000-06:00

This begins the project. I'll elaborate later, when it's not 9pm on a Saturday. Who does homework then? Not me. Ever.

senioritis

my final thoughts

how to grow up

$13

road trip

hop to the left. hop, hop to the right.

so, post nummer vier.

virginities.

i will survive.

good thing i'm not paranoid.

two things.

easter monday

the perfect man

truth.

oops.

thesis

stupid ambiguity

parts one and two

not bad advice for a horoscope...

deadlines

best picture ever.

oops.

day two of my pounding headache

go figure.

alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, every bad day

spring cleaning

happy monday.

the plague

two more months.

oh, midj.

home...

leave me alone

s.p.r.i.n.g.b.r.e.a.k.

it's been a while...

i hate tuesday.

and the weekend's over just like that...

i forgot to mention...

hawaii or bust.

midterm #1 completed.

more homework...

this is good.

nine hours later...

i'm amazing.

take two.

*groan*

options

the beginning of the end.

groan